I have been having a really funky past couple of days. I'll start with today and then back-track. Lon and I took a couple of days off work to spend with the kids. They are on spring break this week. We got up early this morning and just took our time getting ready to hang out for the day. Lon did the some last minute work on a video project while I made breakfast. Kingston had a friend stay over last night, so I wanted to make sure he had something to eat before shipping him off.
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After breakfast, we headed out to do some shopping and just hung out. It was a beautiful day to just walk around the open-air mall and enjoy being together. But it was somewhere around the Apple Store and Barnes & Noble that my whole attitude changed. I walked back to the car without saying a word and stayed silent until we got home. I went upstairs only to find every room a complete mess. That upset me even more. My first thought was to take everybody's stuff back to the store - even Lon's! I was the only one who didn't buy anything. And no, that was not the reason for my mood. I can't quite explain it, but I know that wasn't the reason.
Not only am I the neatest person in the house, but I also constantly sacrifice for my family. It comes in the form of cooking, cleaning, listening, advising, supporting, caring, loving and putting aside what I want for their happiness and gratification. In doing all of that I feel the least they could do is take care of their duties around the house. It's like egg in my face when i work hard to clean the place and a day later it's a mess again.
That was two straws. I couldn't take a third one. It was too much. My crappy mood and a messy house was already enough to make me want to bite someone's head off! I left.
When I returned, Lon was leaving for a photography meeting. I started dinner and called Kingston inside to read a few chapters in his book. He gets to play outside all day, but when it's time to come in and buckle down, he puts up a fuss. What he didn't know was that before he came inside, I had just scolded his sister for putting a Pizza Hut pizza box in the oven -an oven I had pre-heated for my roasted brussel sprouts (you'll be hearing more about those in a later post - delicious!) She had just pulled the third straw. I wasn't playing with him tonight!
It's hard to believe he was the same kid who sat beside me two nights prior consoling me after my first unexplained crappy mood. That was a really, really weird night. I had just had another defeated-feeling type of day. Usually when that happens, I turn on my inspirational gospel, sit next to my bed, indian style, welcome God in and send Satin packing. Kingston walked in looking sad with tears in his eyes. He wouldn't tell me what was wrong. The last time it happened, he was ashamed to tell me he was sad because he missed his grandpa who past away almost five years ago.
I invited him to stay and help me praise God. He did. I started my praise session, and the more I praised Him, the more emotional I became. I started to cry with my eyes closed. I think King was already crying by now, because I heard him sniffle and cough - his signature cry.
He hugged me and told me it was going to be ok. I knew it would. I told him my tears were tears of joy, and he didn't have to worry about me. I gave him my MP3 player to listen to his favorite gospel song, Nobody Greater by VaShawn Mitchell. When he was done, I prayed with him, and we both went to bed feeling much better. So that was the first night.
Tonight, there was no resolution. Lon finished his meeting, came home, ate dinner and went back to playing with his latest gadget. Austin stayed in her room through dinner, and King watched TV. No one ever asked me if I was OK, or if anything was wrong at all. This is just one of the pangs of being a mother. It's really OK.
If you've been wondering about the "Really I Am" part of my title's description. This is it. I really am a happy mom, but is everyday a blast? Not at all. Like I said in the beginning. The last couple of days have just been weird. I can't put my finger on it, except that it's an attack from the Devil. He knows what God has in store for the Burney family. He will do anything to block our blessings. But I've got news for him. I know what to do when he shows up.
I'm going to my bedroom right now where the sounds of Yolanda, Donnie and Marvin are waiting to feel my heart with God's love, joy, peace. And don't hate on my family. I'll take care of them. I'm going to work tomorrow, but Lon is staying home with the kids. They will find a long list of chores waiting for them when they wake in the morning.
Peace and Love ~
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